Umshado—Isizathu Esenza Ukuba Abaningi Bawudele

IGXILA esehlukanisweni eHong Kong, lapho impucuko yase-Mpumalanga neyaseNtshonalanga idlange khona, i-Asia Magazine yaphawula: “Ukuntuleka kokukhulumisana, ukungathembeki, izinkinga ezingokobulili nokungezwani yizici ngokuvamile ezibangela izingxabano zasemshadweni kukho kokubili imibhangqwana yaseShayina neyaseNtshonalanga.” Kunesimo esifanayo nakwezinye izindawo emhlabeni.

Kokubili amadoda nabezifazane abanesimo sengqondo sokunikeza umsebenzi indawo yokuqala bayashesha ukudela imikhaya yabo ngenxa yomsebenzi wabo. Ngakho, bathiya ukukhulumisana komkhaya. Ikhathele ngemva kosuku lomsebenzi, indoda izigcina imatasa ngokufunda iphephandaba. UJunichi nomkakhe babeqhuba ibhizinisi lezindawo zokudlela ezintathu futhi babesebenza kusukela ngehora lesishiyagalombili ekuseni kuze kube ihora leshumi ebusuku ezindaweni ezihlukene. “Cishe kwakungekho ngokuphelele ukukhulumisana phakathi kwethu njengendoda nomfazi,” kuvuma uJunichi. Lokhu kuntuleka kokukhulumisana kwaholela ezinkingeni zomshado ezingathi sína.

Esinye isici esiholela ekuwohlokeni kwezibopho zomshado umbono wabantu ngobulili bangaphandle komshado. Ubulili ngaphandle komshado manje budlange kakhulu kangangokuba amaphesenti angu-20 abesilisa namaphesenti angu-8 abesifazane asabela ekuhlolweni okuthile eJapane avuma ukuthi ayebe nobuhlobo bobulili bangaphandle komshado phakathi nonyaka odlule. Kuvame kakhulu eJapane ukuthola owesifazane osebenzayo oye waba nobuhlobo bobulili namanye amadoda kunendoda yakhe. Ushintshisana ngamadoda, ecabanga, “Uma umyeni wami engibamba, ngizomane ngimfakele isehlukaniso.” Umphakathi wanamuhla uzishaya ongakuboni lokushendeza.

Lomphakathi ofanayo uthuthukisa isimo sengqondo sobumina, kangangokuba bobabili indoda nomfazi baba nobugovu, kamuva okuholela ekungezwanini, okungenye imbangela yesehlukaniso. “Thina njengombhangqwana ngabe sahlukana noma nini,” kusho uKiyoko. “Ngokushesha nje ngemva kokuba sesishadile, umyeni wami wangitshela ukuthi ngibe irobhothi futhi ngenze njengoba ngangitsheliwe. Lapho izinto zazimhambela kahle, kwakungekubi kangako, kodwa lapho izinto zaziba nzima, wayengenakuwavuma amaphutha akhe futhi wayesola abanye ngakho konke. Nami kwakufanele ngisolwe njengoba ngangivame ukuvukela igunya. Ngangikuthola kunzima kakhulu ukulalela umyeni wami lapho ebonisa ukungalungi.”

Ezinye izizathu zesehlukaniso ubudlova nokudakwa, izinkinga ezingokwezimali, ukungezwani nabasemzinia noma abasekhweni, nokuxhashazwa okungokwengqondo.

Iyini Imbangela?

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ziyini izizathu zezehlukaniso, kunokuthile okwengeziwe okubangela ukwanda kwazo emhlabeni wonke. Nakuba iMpumalanga isola ithonya lomphakathi waseNtshonalanga ngezinkinga zayo, ukwamukeleka kwesehlukaniso eNtshonalanga kuyisenzakalo samuva nje. Eqinisweni, izehlukaniso e-United States zaphindeka kathathu futhi eBrithani zaphindeka kane eminyakeni engamashumi ambalwa nje edlule. U-Andrew J. Cherlin we-Urban Institute (inhlangano yezocwaningo ehlola izinkinga zenhlalo nezomnotho e-United States), nakuba evuma ukuthi izimbangela zokwenyuka kwamanani esehlukaniso aziqondwa kahle, ubala “ukuzimela kwabesifazane okwandayo okungokomnotho” kanye ‘nezinguquko zesimo sengqondo somphakathi uwonke’ njengokuphakathi kwezici eziyimbangela yalokhu kuthambekela.

Kwabesifazane e-United States, kanye nalabo abakwamanye amazwe anamathuba emisebenzi, ukuba oshadile nosebenza ngaphandle kwekhaya labo akuseyona into engavamile. Nokho, ingxenye yendoda emisebenzini yasekhaya ibilokhu yanda kancane kakhulu. Akumangalisi ukuthi abanye besifazane bakhononda ngokuthi: “Okudingwa kakhulu yilowo nalowo wesifazane osebenzayo inkosikazi!”

Nakuba abesifazane besebenza ngokuzikhandla bewasha, behlanza, belungiselela ukudla, futhi benakekela izingane, e-United States, “amadoda amaningi ajabulela isikhathi asichitha ‘ezula,’” kusho incwadi ethi The Changing American Family and Public Policy. Lokhu kwenzeka emhlabeni wonke, kusho izazi zesayensi yokuziphatha kwabantu nendawo yabo ebazungezile. EJapane kuvamile ngamadoda ukuba avakashele abangane ngemva komsebenzi. Azisholo ukuthi kuyimfuneko ukuba abe nobudlelwane obuhle nabantu emsebenzini, kuyilapho engabunaki ubudlelwane obuhle nabantu ekhaya. Njengoba amadoda, ngokwendlela yawo yokucabanga, engabondli bemikhaya, abesifazane nezingane akumelwe bakhononde. Nokho, njengoba sekunabesifazane abaningi abasebenzayo, ukucabanga okunjalo kumane nje kubonakala kuyizaba.

Esinye isici esiyinhloko esinikelayo ekuhlulekeni kwemishado “izinguquko esimweni sengqondo somphakathi uwonke” noma, njengoba i-Journal of Marriage and the Family ikubeka, “ukwehla endinganisweni ephelele yokuhlala njalo komshado.” Komakoti nabakhwenyana bawo-1990, isifungo somshado esingokwesiko sokuthi “size sihlukaniswe ukufa” asisasho lokho kanye. Bayaqhubeka nokufuna umngane womshado ongcono. Uma leyo kuyindlela imibhangqwana esanda kushada ebheka ngayo isibopho sayo, siyoqina kangakanani?

Lezinguquko ezingokwenhlalo azimangalisi neze kubafundi beBhayibheli. Lencwadi ephefumlelwe yembula ukuthi kusukela ngo-1914 besiphila “ezinsukwini zokugcina,” ‘eziyizikhathi ezinzima.’ Abantu ‘bangabazithandayo, . . . nabangabongiyo, nabahlazisayo, nabangenaluthando, [abangafuni sivumelwano].’ (2 Thimothewu 3:1-3) Ngakho kubantu abazithanda ngaphezu kwabangane babo bomshado, abangathembeki kubo, futhi abangasoze bagcina isivumelwano emshadweni wabo, isehlukaniso siba ukuphela kwendlela yokuphuma ezinkingeni zabo zomshado.

Ingabe Siholela Ekuphileni Okujabulisayo?

Ezikhathini eziningi, isehlukaniso asizange sizibonakalise siholela enjabulweni.a “Isehlukaniso siyakhohlisa,” kusho umcwaningi wempilo engokwengqondo uJudith Wallerstein ngemva kweminyaka engu-15 yokuhlola imibhangqwana engu-60 eyenza isehlukaniso. “Ngokomthetho siyisenzakalo esenzeka kanye, kodwa ngokwengqondo siwuhide—ngezinye izikhathi uhide olunganqamuki—lwezenzakalo, ukuthuthela kwezinye izindawo nobuhlobo obushintsha ngokuphelele okwenzeka isikhathi esithile.” Ukuhlola kwakhe kubonisa ukuthi ukuphila kwengxenye eyodwa kwezine zabesifazane nengxenye eyodwa kwezinhlanu zamadoda akuzange kubuyele esimweni esivamile eminyakeni eyishumi ngemva kwesehlukaniso.

Abangavikelekile ikakhulukazi izingane zesehlukaniso. Kulokucwaninga okufanayo, uWallerstein wathola ukuthi cishe kubo bonke abantwana abahilelekile, isehlukaniso saba “nemiphumela enamandla nengalindelekile ngokuphelele.” Ezinye izingane ezenqaba noma yimiphi imizwa ephambene ngesehlukaniso sabazali bazo ngokungazelele zingase zithole imizwelo enjalo yakheka kamuva ekuphileni kwazo lapho zifuna umngane womshado.

Lokhu akusho ukuthi zonke izisulu zesehlukaniso azisoze zayithola injabulo, njengoba ezinye ziyithola. Kulaba, kuvela ubuntu obusha, ngokuvamile ezincithakalweni zobuntu bangesikhathi esidlule. Ngokwesibonelo, lapho nje ukushaqeka okubangelwa isehlukaniso nosizi oluhambisana naso nokungabaza ngokuzethemba sekudlulile, umngane womshado ongenacala angase aveze kokuhlangenwe nakho okubuhlungu umuntu onamandla, oyingqabavu ngokwengeziwe, nophelele.

Omunye wesifazane owashiywa umyeni wakhe ukuze ahlale nomunye uchaza ukuthi ngemva kokuba ubuhlungu nokuthukuthela sekuqale ukuncipha, “uthola ukuthi wehlukile ngaphakathi. Imizwa yakho isishintshile. Awusenakuba umuntu owawunguye ngaphambili.” Uyeluleka: “Zinike isikhathi sokuzazi njengomuntu futhi. Ngokuvamile emshadweni abangane bomshado badela abakuthandayo nezifiso zabo ngokuhlonipha ezomunye umuntu, kodwa ngemva kwesehlukaniso, kufanele uzinike isikhathi sokuthola ukuthi yini manje oyithandayo nongayithandi. Uma ufihla imizwa yakho, uyingcwaba iphila. Ngolunye usuku izobuya, futhi kuzodingeka ubhekane nayo. Ngakho kungcono ukumane ubhekane nemizwa yakho futhi uyinqobe.”

Ngenxa yokuqapheleka okwandayo kwezinkinga ezilethwa isehlukaniso, asisathandwa kakhulu. Umagazini i-Time ubika ukuthi idlanzana elikhulayo labeluleki manje likhuthaza imibhangqwana ekhathazekile ngokuthi: “Hlalani ndawonye.” UDavid Elkind waseYunivesithi yaseTufts wabhala: “Ukubhekana nesehlukaniso kucishe kufane nokuphuka umlenze ohambweni lokushibilika eqhweni: Ukuthi nje baningi abanye abantu abaphuka imilenze yabo kulendawo yokushibilika akusho ukuthi umlenze wakho awunakubuzwa ubuhlungu.”

Isehlukaniso asilona ikhambi elilula lokuphuma ezinkingeni zomshado. Khona-ke, iyiphi indlela engcono yokuxazulula ukungezwani emshadweni?

[Umbhalo waphansi]

[Isithombe ekhasini 7]

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