Amadoda Nabafazi—Ingabe Bakhuluma Ngendlela Ehlukile Ngempela?

AKE sithi uThemba ungena ehhovisi likaSipho eshudula izinyawo, kusobala ukuthi usindwa yizinkathazo zakhe. USipho ubheka umngane wakhe ngobumnene futhi umlinda ukuba akhulume. “Angazi noma ngizokwazi yini ukugcwalisa lesisivumelwano ngokuphumelelayo,” kububula uThemba. “Kuvela ubunzima obukhulu obungalindelekile, futhi ihhovisi elikhulu liyangicindezela ngempela.” “Ukhathazwa yini, Themba?” kubuza uSipho ngokuqiniseka. “Uyazi ukuthi ungumuntu owufanelekela kahle lomsebenzi, futhi nabo bayakwazi lokho. Ungaphamazeli. Ucabanga ukuthi lokhu kuyinkinga? Phela, ngenyanga edlule nje . . .” uSipho ulandisa imininingwane ehlekisayo yenhlekelele yakhe siqu futhi ngokushesha umngane wakhe uphuma ehhovisi ehleka futhi eduduzekile. USipho uyakujabulela ukumsiza.

Ake sithi futhi lapho efika ekhaya ngaleyo ntambama, uSipho ubona ngokushesha ukuthi nomkakhe, uZodwa, ukhathazekile. Umbingelela ngenjabulo engavamile abe esemlinda ukuba aveze lokho okumkhathazayo. Ngemva kokuthula okushubile, okusabisayo, uZodwa uyaphahluka: “Sengikhathele! Lomqashi omusha ungumashiqela!” USipho umhlalisa phansi, uyamsingatha, abe esethi: “S’thandwa, ungakhathazeki kangaka. Bheka, kumane nje kuwumsebenzi. Banjalo abaqashi. Sengathi ngabe umzwile owami ukuthi uthethe ngolaka isikhathi eside kangakanani namuhla. Nokho, uma ungasenakubekezela, mane nje uyeke.”

“Awunandaba ngisho nokuthi ngizizwa kanjani!” kuphendula uZodwa ngokushesha. “Awungilaleli neze! Angikwazi ukuyeka! Awuholi imali eyanele!” UZodwa ugijimela ekamelweni ukuze akhale kamunyu. USipho usala eshaqekile umkakhe ezivalele ekamelweni, ezibuza ukuthi kwenzekeni. Kungani kunokusabela okuphambene kangaka emazwini kaSipho enduduzo?

Ingabe Igebe Lobulili?

Abanye bangase bathi umehluko kulezibonelo ubangelwa iqiniso elilodwa elisobala: UThemba uyindoda; uZodwa ungowesifazane. Abacwaningi bezolimi bakholelwa ukuthi izinkinga zokukhulumisana emshadweni ngokuvamile zibangelwa ubulili. Izincwadi ezinjengethi You Just Don’t Understand nethi Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus zikhuthaza umbono wokuthi amadoda nabesifazane, nakuba bekhuluma ulimi olulodwa, banezindlela zokukhulumisana ezihluke ngokusobala.

Ngokungangabazeki, lapho uJehova edala owesifazane emsusela endodeni, wayengelona nje uhlobo oluhlukile ngandlela-thile. Indoda nowesifazane baklanywa ngokumangalisayo nangokuhlakanipha ukuze baphelelisane—ngokomzimba, ngokomzwelo, ngokwengqondo, ngokomoya. Okwenezela kulomehluko ongokwemvelo ubunkimbinkimbi bendlela umuntu ngamunye akhuliswa ngayo nokuhlangenwe nakho ekuphileni nokulolongwa kwabantu impucuko, indawo ebazungezile, nombono womphakathi ngalokho okungokwamadoda noma okungokwabesifazane. Ngenxa yalamathonya, kungenzeka ukuhlukanisa izici ezithile endleleni abesilisa nabesifazane abakhulumisana ngayo. Kodwa “indoda evamile” noma “owesifazane ovamile” ongaqondakali angase atholakale kuphela ezincwadini eziphathelene nokusebenza kwengqondo.

Ngokuvamile abesifazane baphawuleka ngokusheshe bazwele, kodwa amadoda amaningi amnene ngokumangalisayo ekusebenzelaneni kwawo nabantu. Kungase kuthiwe amadoda acabanga ngobuhlakani ngokwengeziwe, kodwa ngokuvamile abesifazane banokuqonda okujulile, okuhlaziyayo. Ngakho nakuba kungenakwenzeka ukusho ngokuqondile ukuthi isici esithile singesabesilisa noma abesifazane, kunento eyodwa eqinisekile: Ukuqonda umbono womunye kungenza umehluko phakathi kokuphila ndawonye ngokuthula nempi evutha amalangabi, ikakhulukazi emshadweni.

Inselele yansuku zonke yokukhulumisana kwabesilisa nabesifazane emshadweni inkulu. Amadoda amaningi anokuqonda angakufakazela ukuthi umbuzo okhohlisayo othi, “Uyasithanda yini isitayela esisha sezinwele zami?” ungase uhambisane nezingozi eziningi. Amakhosikazi amaningi ahlakaniphile afunda ukugwema ukubuza ngokuphindaphindiwe ukuthi, “Kungani ungamane ubuze indlela?” lapho abayeni bawo belahleka uma besohwambweni. Kunokuba balulaze izici ezibonakala ziyingqayizivele zomngane womshado futhi banamathele kwezabo ngenkani ngombono wokuthi “nginjalo,” abangane bomshado abanothando babheka isisusa. Lokhu akukhona ukucusumbula kokuzithela ngabandayo kwendlela yomunye nomunye yokukhuluma kodwa ukuhlola ngemfudumalo enhliziyweni nasengqondweni yomunye nomunye.

Njengoba umuntu ngamunye ehlukile, kunjalo nokuhlanganiswa kwabantu ababili emshadweni. Ukubumbana kwangempela akuyona into ethuke yenzeka kodwa kufuna ukuzikhandla ngenxa yemvelo yethu yobuntu obungaphelele. Ngokwesibonelo, kulula kakhulu ukucabanga ukuthi abanye babheka izinto ngendlela esizibheka ngayo. Ngokuvamile sanelisa izidingo zabanye ngendlela ebesingafuna zaneliswe ngayo ezethu, mhlawumbe sizama ukulandela uMthetho Wegolide, “Ngakho-ke konke nokungakanani enifuna ukuba abantu bakwenze kini, kwenzeni nani kanjalo kubo.” (Mathewu 7:12) Nokho, uJesu wayengasho ukuthi lokho wena okufunayo kufanele kuthandwe ngabanye. Kunalokho, unesifiso sokuba abanye bakunikeze lokho wena okudingayo noma okufunayo. Ngakho kufanele ubanikeze lokho abakudingayo. Lokhu kubalulekile ikakhulukazi emshadweni, ngoba ngamunye uye wafungela ukwanelisa izidingo zomngane wakhe womshado ngokugcwele ngangokunokwenzeka.

UZodwa noSipho baye benza isifungo esinjalo. Futhi umshado wabo weminyaka emibili uye waba ojabulisayo. Nokho, nakuba benomuzwa wokuthi bazana kahle kakhulu, ngezinye izikhathi kuphakama izimo ezembula igebe elikhulu lokukhulumisana elingenakuvalwa yizisusa ezinhle kuphela. “Inhliziyo yohlakaniphileyo iyafundisa umlomo wakhe,” kusho izAga 16:23. Yebo, ukusebenzisa ukuqonda ekukhulumisaneni kuyisihluthulelo esidingekayo. Ake sibone ukuthi kubaxazululela ziphi izinkinga oSipho noZodwa.

Omunye Umbono Wendoda

USipho usebenza ezweni elincintisanayo lapho umuntu ngamunye kumelwe aqinise khona isikhundla sakhe emphakathini, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ungaphansi noma uyisikhulu esimweni esithile. Ukukhulumisana kuqinisa isikhundla, ikhono, ubuciko, noma ukubaluleka kwakhe. Ukuzimela kubalulekile kuye. Ngakho lapho enikezwa imiyalo ngendlela ephoqelelayo, uSipho uzithola emelana nalokho. Isigijimi esinokuhlakanipha esithi “Awuwenzi umsebenzi wakho” simenza avukele, ngisho noma lesicelo sinengqondo.

Ngokuyisisekelo uSipho uxoxa nabanye ukuze bacobelelane ukwaziswa. Uyakuthanda ukuxoxa ngamaqiniso, imibono, nezinto ezintsha azifundile.

Lapho elalele, uSipho akavamile ukuphazamisa isikhulumi, ngisho nangokusabela okuncane, njengokuthi “oh, yebo,” ngoba ungenisa ukwaziswa. Kodwa uma engavumi, angase angakungabazi ukukusho lokho, ikakhulukazi lapho engavumelani nomngane. Kubonisa ukuthi unesithakazelo kulokho okushiwo umngane wakhe, ecabangela konke okungase kwenzeke.

Uma uSipho enenkinga, ukhetha ukuzitholela ikhambi. Ngakho angase ahoxe kubo bonke nakuzo zonke izinto. Noma angase akhethe ukuphumula ngokuzilibazisa okuthile ukuze akhohlwe inkinga yakhe okwesikhashana. Uzoxoxa ngayo kuphela uma edinga iseluleko.

Uma indoda iza kuSipho nenkinga njengoba kwenza uThemba, uSipho uyaqaphela ukuthi kuwumsebenzi wakhe ukusiza, eqikelela ukuba angamenzi umngane wakhe azizwe engenakhono. Ngokuvamile unikeza iseluleko ngokuhlanganyela ezinye zezinkinga zakhe ukuze umngane wakhe angazizwa eyedwa.

USipho uthanda ukuhlanganyela imisebenzi nabangane bakhe. Kuyena ubungane busho ukwenza izinto ndawonye.

KuSipho ikhaya liyisiphephelo sangaphandle, indawo lapho kungasadingeki khona ukuba akhulume ukuze azibonakalise, indawo lapho amukelwa, ethenjwa, ethandwa, futhi aziswa khona. Nakuba kunjalo, ngezinye izikhathi uSipho uthola ukuthi udinga ithuba lokuba yedwa. Kungase kungabangelwa uZodwa noma okuthile akwenzile. Umane nje udinga isikhashana sokuba yedwa. USipho ukuthola kunzima ukwembulela umkakhe ukwesaba kwakhe, ukungaqiniseki, nobuhlungu. Akafuni ukuba akhathazeke. Umsebenzi wakhe uwukumnakekela nokumvikela, futhi udinga ukuba uZodwa amethembe ukuthi uzokwenza kanjalo. Nakuba uSipho ekufuna ukusekelwa, akakufuni ukudatshukelwa. Kumenza azizwe eyisehluleki noma engenalusizo.

Omunye Umbono Wowesifazane

UZodwa uzibheka njengomuntu ohlala nabantu abadinga ukuxhumana nabanye. Kubalulekile kuye ukumisa nokuqinisa izibopho zalobubuhlobo. Ukuxoxa kuyindlela ebalulekile yokwakha nokuqinisa ukusondelana.

Ukuncika kwabanye kungokwemvelo kuZodwa. Uzizwa ethandwa uma uSipho ethola imibono yakhe ngaphambi kokwenza isinqumo, nakuba efuna ukuba uSipho ahole. Lapho kumelwe enze isinqumo, uyakuthanda ukuxoxa nomyeni wakhe, hhayi ukuze amtshele lokho yena okufanele akwenze, kodwa ukuze abonise ukusondelana nokuncika kwakhe kuye.

Kunzima kuZodwa ukusho ngokuqondile ukuthi udinga okuthile. Akafuni ukukhathaza uSipho noma ukumenza abe nomuzwa wokuthi akajabule. Kunalokho, uyalinda ukuze aqashelwe noma anikeze ukusikisela okuhlakaniphile.

Lapho uZodwa exoxa, uxakwa imininingwane emincane kakhulu futhi abuze imibuzo eminingi. Lokhu kungokwemvelo ngenxa yokukhathalela kanye nesithakazelo esijulile kubantu nasebuhlotsheni nabanye.

Lapho uZodwa elalele, uphazamisa umuntu oxoxayo ngokungenela, ukunqekuzisa ikhanda, noma ukubuza ukuze abonise ukuthi uyamlandela oxoxayo futhi uyakukhathalela lokho akushoyo.

UZodwa uyazikhandla ukuze azi ngokucacile ukuthi yini abantu abayidingayo. Ukunikeza usizo engaceliwe kuyindlela enhle kakhulu yokubonisa uthando. Ufuna ikakhulukazi ukusiza umyeni wakhe akhule futhi athuthuke.

Lapho uZodwa enenkinga, angase azizwe ephelelwa amandla. Kumelwe akhulume, hhayi ukuze athole ikhambi ngokuyinhloko, kodwa ukuze aveze imizwa yakhe. Uyakudinga ukwazi ukuthi othile uyaqonda futhi uyakhathalela. Lapho ejabulile, uZodwa ukhuluma kakhulu, ngendlela ebabazekayo. Usuke engaqondile ukusho kanjalo lapho ethi: “Awulaleli neze!”

Umngane kaZodwa omkhulu wasebuntwaneni wayengeyena umuntu ayenza izinto naye kodwa othile ayexoxa zonke izinto naye. Ngakho emshadweni akanasithakazelo kakhulu ezintweni ezenzeka ngaphandle ukwedlula isilaleli esinomusa angahlanganyela naso imizwa yakhe.

Ikhaya liyindawo lapho uZodwa engakhuluma khona ngaphandle kokugxekwa. Akangabazi ukwembulela uSipho ukwesaba nezinkinga zakhe. Uma edinga usizo, akanamahloni okukuvuma lokho, ngoba unethemba lokuthi umyeni wakhe ukhona ukuze amsize futhi ukukhathalela ngokwanele ukulalela.

Ngokuvamile uZodwa uzizwa ethandwa futhi evikelekile emshadweni wakhe. Kodwa ngezinye izikhathi, ngaphandle kwesizathu esizwakalayo, uyaye aqale ukuzizwa engalondekile futhi engathandwa futhi edinga ukuqinisekiswa nobungane ngokuphuthumayo.

Yebo, uSipho noZodwa, abaphelelisanayo, bahluke ngempela. Ukungaboni ngaso linye phakathi kwabo kudala ithuba lokungaqondani okukhulu, ngisho nakuba bobabili bengase babe nezisusa ezinhle kakhulu zokubonisa uthando nokusekelana. Uma besingalalela umbono wabo ngabanye ngokuphathelene nalesisimo esingenhla, bebengathini?

Abakubona Ngamehlo Abo

USipho ubengathi: “Ngokushesha lapho ngifika ekhaya, ngibonile ukuthi uZodwa ukhathazekile. Ngicabange ukuthi lapho esekulungele, uzongitshela isizathu. Kimina lenkinga ayibonakalanga inkulu. Ngacabanga ukuthi uma nje ngingamsiza abone ukuthi akudingeki akhathazeke kangaka nokuthi ikhambi lilula, angazizwa engcono. Ngemva kokumlalela, ngizwe ubuhlungu ngempela lapho ethi, ‘Awungilaleli neze!’ Ngaba nomuzwa wokuthi umangalela mina ngakho konke ukukhungatheka kwakhe!”

UZodwa ubengase achaze, “Usuku lonke belukhathaza kakhulu. Bengazi ukuthi akulona iphutha likaSipho. Kodwa lapho efika ekhaya ejabulile, ngibe nomuzwa wokuthi akalinaki iqiniso lokuthi ngikhathazekile. Kungani engazange angibuze ukuthi kwenzenjani? Lapho ngimtshela inkinga, angitshele khona ngempela ukuthi ngiyaganga, ukuthi yonke lento iwubala. Kunokuba athi uyayiqonda indlela engizizwa ngayo, uSipho, umxazululi wezinkinga, ungitshele indlela yokuxazulula lenkinga. Bengingafuni amakhambi, bengifuna uzwela!”

Naphezu kokuvela kwaleligebe lesikhashana, uSipho noZodwa bathandana kakhulu. Yikuphi ukuqonda okuyobasiza babonise lolothando ngokucacile?

Ukuzibeka Esimweni Somunye

USipho uye waba nomuzwa wokuthi bekungaba ukugxambukela ukubuza uZodwa ukuthi kwenzenjani, ngakho ngokwemvelo wamenzela lokho abengafuna ukuba abanye bamenzele khona. Uye walinda uZodwa ukuba athulule isifuba. Manje uZodwa ubengakhathazekile nje ngalenkinga kuphela kodwa nangeqiniso lokuthi uSipho ubonakale engakunaki ukunxusela kwakhe ukusekelwa. Akazange abheke ukuthula kukaSipho njengophawu lwenhlonipho emnene—ukubheke njengokungakhathaleli. Lapho ekugcineni uZodwa ekhuluma, uSipho ulalele ngaphandle kokuphazamisa. Kodwa uZodwa uye waba nomuzwa wokuthi uSipho ubengayiqondi ngempela imizwa yakhe. Kamuva uSipho akazange abe nobubele, kodwa unikeze ikhambi. Lokhu kwatshela uZodwa ukuthi: ‘Imizwa yakho ayinangqondo; uyeqisa. Bheka ukuthi kulula kangakanani ukuxazulula lenkingana encane?’

Yeka ukuthi izinto beziyokwehluka kanjani ukuba ngamunye ubekwazile ukubona izinto ngombono womunye! Bekungase kwenzeke ngalendlela:

Lapho efika ekhaya uSipho uthola uZodwa ekhathazekile. “Kwenzenjani, s’thandwa?” ebuza ngobumnene. UZodwa uqala ukukhala, futhi amazwi ayaziphumela. Akathi, “Iphutha lakho!” noma abonise ukuthi uSipho akenzi okwanele. USipho uyamsingatha futhi alalele ngesineke. Lapho uZodwa eseqedile, uSipho uthi: “Ngiyadabuka ngokuthi ucindezelekile. Ngiyaqonda ukuthi kungani ukhathazeke kangaka.” UZodwa uyaphendula: “Ngiyabonga kakhulu ngokulalela. Ngizizwa ngingcono kakhulu ngokwazi ukuthi uyaqonda.”

Ngokudabukisayo, kunokuba ixazulule ukungaboni kwayo ngaso linye, imibhangqwana eminingi imane ikhethe ukuqeda imishado yayo ngesehlukaniso. Ukuntuleka kokukhulumisana kuyisitha esibhubhisa amakhaya amaningi. Kuqubuka izimpikiswano ezizamazamisa zona kanye izisekelo zomshado. Kwenzeka kanjani? Isihloko esilandelayo sikhuluma ngendlela okwenzeka ngayo nendlela yokukugwema.