Okwenza Obaba Bahambe

“Angikhumbuli ngibona umama nobaba belwa noma beqagulisana. Engikwaziyo nje ukuthi ubaba wayekhona—kodwa ngolunye usuku wanyamalala ngokungalindelekile! Kuze kube namuhla angazi ukuthi ubaba ukuphi. Ngiyazi ukuthi anginandaba naye.”—UBruce.

“Esikoleni kwakuyimina ngedwa ingane eyayingenabo abazali ababili futhi ingahlali endlini . . . Njalo ngangizibona ngiyinqaba. Ngangizizwa ngihlukile ngaso sonke isikhathi kwabanye ontanga yami.”—UPatricia.

INHLEKELELE yemikhaya engenabo obaba yaqala enkathini yenguquko yezezimboni. Njengoba imisebenzi yasezimbonini yayiqala ukuqhelisa amadoda emakhaya, ithonya likababa ekhaya laqala ukuncipha; omama bathatha umthwalo othé xaxa wokukhulisa izingane.a Noma kunjalo, obaba abaningi babengayishiyi imikhaya yabo. Nokho, maphakathi nawo-1960, izinga lesehlukaniso e-United States laqala ukwenyuka ngendlela ephawulekayo. Imigoqo engokwenkolo, engokomnotho nengokwenhlalo eyayivimbela isehlukaniso yaqala ukuwohloka. Iqhutshwa yizeluleko zochwepheshe bokuzisholo ababethi akukhona nje kuphela ukuthi isehlukaniso asizilimazi izingane kodwa singase sibe sihle kuzo, imibhangqwana yakhetha isehlukaniso ngamanani ashaqisayo. Incwadi kaFrank F. Furstenberg, Jr., no-Andrew J. Cherlin ethi Divided Families—What Happens to Children When Parents Part, ithi: “EBelgium, eFrance naseSwitzerland amazinga [esehlukaniso] aye aphindeka kabili [kusukela ngawo-1960], kanti eCanada, eNgilandi naseNetherlands aye enyuka ngokuphindwe kathathu.”

Nakuba ngokuvamile izingane zihlala nonina ngemva kwesehlukaniso, obaba abaningi abahambayo bafuna ukulondoloza ubuhlobo nezingane zabo. Elinye ikhambi elivamile ukunakekelwa kwabantwana yibo bobabili abazali. Nokho, kuyamangalisa ukuthi obaba abaningi abahlukanisile abathintani njalo nezingane zabo. Ucwaningo oluthile lwembula ukuthi yingane eyodwa kweziyisithupha kuphela ebonana noyise ohlukanisile masonto onke. Cishe isigamu sezingane sekuphele unyaka zingababoni oyise!

Ukubhuntsha Kwesimiso Sokunakekelwa Kwezingane Yibo Bobabili Abazali

Ukuze umbhangqwana ohlukanisile uhlanganyele ekunakekelweni kwezingane, kudingeka ukubambisana nokwethembana—izimfanelo eziyivelakancane. Abacwaningi uFurstenberg noCherlin bakubeka ngale ndlela: “Isizathu esiyinhloko esenza obaba bayeke ukubona izingane zabo siwukuthi abafuni lutho oluzobahlanganisa nomkabo bangaphambili. Kanti abesifazane abaningi nabo bazizwa ngendlela efanayo ngabayeni babo bangaphambili.”

Yiqiniso, obaba abaningi abahlukanisile bazibona njalo izingane zabo. Kodwa ngenxa yokuthi abasahilelekile ekuphileni kwezingane zabo kwansuku zonke, kunzima kwabanye ukuba baziphathe njengobaba lapho benazo. Abaningi bakhetha ukuba abangane nje, bachithe cishe sonke isikhathi abasuke bendawonye ngaso bezijabulisa noma bethenga. U-Ari oneminyaka engu-14 ubudala uchaza indlela okuba ngayo uma evakashele uyise ngezimpelasonto, uthi: “Asikho isimiso esibekiwe, akasho ukuthi ‘Ngikufuna ekhaya ngesikhathi esiwukuthi.’ Ngikhululekile. Akunamthetho. Futhi ubaba ungithengela izipho njalo.”—How It Feels When Parents Divorce kaJill Krementz.

Ubaba onothando kufanele ‘akwazi ukupha abantwana bakhe izipho ezinhle.’ (Mathewu 7:11) Kodwa izipho akufanele zithathe isikhundla sesiqondiso nesiyalo abasidingayo. (IzAga 3:12; 13:1) Uma umuntu eba umngane nje noma isivakashi esikhundleni sokuba umzali, ubuhlobo phakathi kukababa nomntwana buyowohloka. Ucwaningo oluthile lwaphetha ngokuthi: “Isehlukaniso singabubhidliza phakade ubuhlobo phakathi kukababa nengane.”—Journal of Marriage and the Family, May 1994.

Ephatheké kabi noma ethukuthele ngenxa yokungabi nangxenye ekuphileni kwabantwana bawo—noma mhlawumbe ngenxa yokungakhathaleli—amanye amadoda alahla imikhaya yawo, angayisekeli ngemali eyidingayo.b (1 Thimothewu 5:8) Umfana othile olusizi uthi: “Akukho engikucabangayo ngobaba engikuthandayo ngaye. Akasikhathaleli, akasondli noma enze okuthile, futhi ngicabanga ukuthi lokho kuyanengeka.”

Abazali Abangashadile

Amanani amakhulu amavezandlebe aye abangela ukwanda okukhulu kwezintandane. Incwadi ethi Fatherless America ithi: “Cishe ingxenye yesithathu yabo bonke abantwana abazalwa [e-United States] manje izalwa ngaphandle komshado.” Phakathi kwabantwana abangaba ngu-500 000 abazalwa minyaka yonke yintsha ephakathi kweminyaka engu-15 nengu-19, abangamaphesenti angu-78 bazalwa yintsha engashadile. Nokho, ukukhulelwa kwentsha kuyinkinga yembulunga yonke. Futhi izinhlelo ezifundisa ngokuvimbela inzalo noma ezithi abantu mabazithibe azenzanga lutho ukushintsha ukuziphatha kwentsha ngokobulili.

Incwadi kaBryan E. Robinson ethi Teenage Fathers, iyachaza: “Ukukhulelwa komuntu engashadile akuselona ihlazo njengoba kwakunjalo ngawo-1960 ngenxa yombono womphakathi oyekelelayo ngobulili nokukhulelwa ngaphambi komshado. . . . Futhi intsha yanamuhla ichayeka njalo ekuziphatheni kobulili ngenxa yezikhangiso, umculo, amabhayisikobho nethelevishini. Imithombo yezindaba yaseMelika itshela intsha ukuthi ubulili buwuthando, buyajabulisa futhi buyakitaza kodwa ayiyivezi imiphumela engokoqobo yokuziphatha kobulili okungenakuzithiba nokuyekelelayo.”

Intsha eningi kubonakala sengathi ayinalwazi nhlobo ngemiphumela yobulili obungemthetho. Phawula ezinye izimpendulo umlobi uRobinson azizwa: “‘Ngangingacabangi ukuthi [wayezokhulelwa]’; ‘Sasihlanganyela ubulili kanye kuphela ngesonto’; noma ‘Ngangingazi ukuthi umuntu angakhulelwa zisuka nje.’” Yiqiniso, ezinye izinsizwa zazi kahle ukuthi ubulili bungabangela ukukhulelwa. Incwadi ethi Young Unwed Fathers ithi: “Kubafana abaningi [basedolobheni], ubulili buwuphawu olubalulekile lwesikhundla emphakathini; izenzo zobulili ziwuphawu lwempumelelo yomuntu. Amantombazane amaningi asebenzisa ubulili njengesipho ukuze athole ukunakwa yizinsizwa.” Kweminye imiphakathi yasemadolobheni, abafana abangenabo abantwana bangase bagconwe nangokuthi “basemsulwa”!

Isimo sibi nakakhulu uma ucabangela imiphumela yocwaningo lwango-1993 lomama abasafunda esikoleni eCalifornia. Kwatholakala ukuthi izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zala mantombazane zazingakhuleliswanga amasoka angontanga, kodwa amadoda aneminyaka engaphezu kwengu-20 ubudala! Eqinisweni, okunye ukucwaninga kubonisa ukuthi omama abaningi abasakhula bayizisulu zokudlwengulwa abantu abadala—noma ngisho nokuxhashazwa njengabantwana. Ukuxhashazwa kwabantu okunjalo okusakazekile kwembula indlela umphakathi wanamuhla ogula nonengeka ngayo.—2 Thimothewu 3:13.

Okwenza Izinsizwa Zibashiye

Abafana abasakhula ababa nabantwana abavamile ukubanakekela njalo abantwana babo. Umfana othile owakhulelisa intombi yakhe uthi: “Ngamane ngamtshela ukuthi, ‘Sekuphelile okwethu.’” Nokho, njengoba isihloko se-Family Life Educator sibonisa, “intsha eningi engobaba inesifiso esinamandla sokuba nobuhlobo obuseduze nabantwana bayo.” Ngokokuhlolwa okuthile kobaba abangashadile abaseyintsha, abangamaphesenti angu-70 babevakashela abantwana babo kanye ngesonto. Lesi sihloko siyaxwayisa: “Nokho, njengoba abantwana bekhula, ukuvakasha kuyancipha.”

Ubaba othile oneminyaka engu-17 ubudala waveza ngamafuphi ukuthi kungani kunjalo, ethi: “Ukube ngangazile ukuthi kwakuyoba nzima kangaka, ngangingeke ngikwenze.” Imbalwa intsha evuthiwe ngokomzwelo noma enolwazi lokusingatha izinkinga zobuzali. Futhi eningi ayinayo imfundo noma amakhono omsebenzi adingekile ukuze iziphilise. Kunokuba zibhekane nokuhlazeka ngenxa yokwehluleka, izinsizwa eziningi zimane zibashiye abantwana bazo. Ubaba othile osakhula uyavuma: “Ukuphila kwami kugcwele izinkathazo.” Omunye wabalisa ethi: “Angikwazi ngisho nokuzinakekela mina; angazi ukuthi bengiyothathani ngihlanganise nani ukube bekufanele nginakekele [nendodana yami].”

Amagilebhisi Amuncu

Ezikhathini zeBhayibheli amaJuda ayenesisho esithi: “Abazali badle amagilebhisi amuncu, kodwa yizingane ezinambitha ubumuncu bawo.” (Hezekeli 18:2, Today’s English Version) UNkulunkulu watshela amaJuda ukuthi kwakungafanele kube njalo, amaphutha esikhathi esidlule kwakungafanele aphindwe esikhathini esizayo. (Hezekeli 18:3) Noma kunjalo, kubonakala sengathi izigidi zabantwana namuhla zinambitha ubumuncu ‘bamagilebhisi amuncu’ abazali bazo—zithola isijeziso ngenxa yokungavuthwa, ukuba budedengu nokuhluleka kwemishado yabazali bazo. Kunemiphumela eminingi yocwaningo ebonisa ukuthi izingane ezikhula zingenayise zibhekana nezingozi eziningi ezingokomzimba nezingokomzwelo. (Bheka ibhokisi ekhasini 7.) Okukhungathekisa nakakhulu yiqiniso lokuthi ifa lokuba umkhaya ongenababa livame ukudluliselwa ezizukulwaneni ezilandelayo—umjikelezo oqhubekayo wobuhlungu nosizi.

Ingabe imikhaya engenababa iyohluleka nakanjani? Lutho neze. Eqinisweni, izindaba ezinhle ziwukuthi isimo semikhaya engenababa singanqandeka. Isihloko sethu esilandelayo sizochaza ukuthi kanjani.

[Imibhalo yaphansi]

[Ibhokisi/Isithombe ekhasini 7]

IZINGOZI ZOKUKHULA NGAPHANDLE KUKABABA

Ukukhula ngaphandle kukababa kufaka izingane ezingozini ezingathi sína. Nakuba abanye bengase bezwe ubuhlungu lapho becabangela ukwaziswa okulandelayo, ukuqaphela izingozi kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokuvimbela noma sokunqanda umonakalo. Futhi qaphela ukuthi ukuhlola okuveza izibalo kuthinta amaqembu hhayi abantu ngabanye. Izingane eziningi zikhulela emikhayeni engenabo obaba kodwa zingabhekani nalezi zinkinga. Njengoba isihloko sethu sokugcina sizobonisa, ukungenela kwabazali nokusebenzisa izimiso zeBhayibheli kungenza lukhulu ekunqandeni lezi zinkinga ezingase zivele. Khona-ke, cabangela ezinye zezingozi ingane eyintandane engase ibhekane nazo.

◼ Ingozi Enkulu Yokuxhashazwa Ngokobulili

Ucwaningo lubonisa ngokucacile ukuthi ukuba yintandane kwandisa ingozi yokuxhashazwa kwezingane ngokobulili. Okunye ukucwaninga kwembula ukuthi phakathi kwezingane ezingu-52 000 ezaxhashazwa, “ezingamaphesenti angu-72 kwakuyizingane ezihlala ekhaya elingenaye omunye umzali noma bobabili abazali abazizalayo.” Incwadi ethi Fatherless America iyaqinisekisa: “Ingozi ekhulayo yokuxhashazwa kwezingane ngokobulili emphakathini wethu ibangelwa ngokuyinhloko ukuncipha kobaba abashadile kanye nokwanda kosingababa, amasoka kanye nabanye besilisa abangezona izihlobo ekhaya.”

◼ Ingozi Enkulu Yokuhileleka Ebulilini Umuntu Esemncane

Ngenxa yokuthi ngokuvamile asikho isiqondiso sabazali emkhayeni onomzali oyedwa, intsha ivame ukuba namathuba amaningi okuhileleka ekuziphatheni okubi. Ukuntuleka kokuqeqesha kwabazali nakho kungase kube umthelela. UMnyango Wezempilo Nezinkonzo Zomphakathi wase-United States uthi: “Amantombazane akhule engenababa asethubeni lokukhulelwa eliphindwe kabili nesigamu.”

◼ Ubumpofu

Ucwaningo olwenziwa emantombazaneni ansundu asakhula eNingizimu Afrika lwaphetha ngokuthi ubumpofu buwumphumela ovamile kubazali abangashadile. Abacwaningi bathi: “Ezimweni ezingamaphesenti angu-50, cishe lo osemusha ngeke esabuyela esikoleni.” Omama abaningi abangashadile bagcina behileleke ekuthengiseni ngemizimba nasekushushumbiseni izidakamizwa. Kuyisimo esifanayo nasemazweni aseNtshonalanga. E-United States, “amaphesenti ayishumi ezingane zemikhaya enabazali ababili ayephila ngobumpofu [ngo-1995], uma kuqhathaniswa namaphesenti angu-50 emikhayeni enomama kuphela.”—America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being 1997.

◼ Ukunganakwa

Njengoba bephoqeleke ukuba baziphilise, abanye abazali abangabodwa bathwele kanzima futhi abakwazi ukuchitha isikhathi esanele nezingane zabo. Omunye owahlukanisa uyakhumbula: “Ngangisebenza emini bese ngiya esikoleni ebusuku—ngangikhathala ngibe yingcuba. Ngangingazinaki ngempela izingane.”

◼ Ukulimala Ngokomzwelo

Ngokuphambene nombono wabanye ochwepheshe wokuthi izingane zilulama ngokushesha ngemva kwesehlukaniso, abacwaningi abanjengoDkt. Judith Wallerstein baye bathola ukuthi isehlukaniso sibangela amanxeba angokomzwelo ahlala isikhathi eside. “Izinsizwa nezintombi ezingaphezu kwengxenye yesithathu ezineminyaka engu-19 kuya kwengu-25 zitholakala zingenalo ugqozi ekuphileni ngemva kweminyaka eyishumi abazali bazo bahlukana. Ziphila zingenayo imigomo . . . futhi zinomuzwa wokuthi azilutho.” (Second Chances kaDkt. Judith Wallerstein noSandra Blakeslee) Kuye kwaphawulwa ukuthi izingane eziningi zesehlukaniso ziyazinyeza, zicindezelekile, zingamahlongandlebe futhi zinentukuthelo engapheli.

Incwadi ethi The Single-Parent Family ithi: “Ukucwaninga okuningi kubonisa ukuthi abafana abakhula bengenaye umuntu wesilisa oyisibonelo ekuphileni kwabo abaqiniseki ngobudoda babo, bayazinyeza, kanti kamuva ekuphileni, baba nenkinga yokwakha ubuhlobo obuseduze nabanye. Izinkinga amantombazane aba nazo ngenxa yokuntula isibonelo somuntu wesilisa azivamile ukubonakala kuze kube yilapho sezithombile noma ngemva kwalokho, futhi zihlanganisa ubunzima bokwakha ubuhlobo obuhle nabesilisa lapho esekhulile.”